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I write knowing that wherever I am in life, I can come back to it. I've tried using journals over the years, and sometimes it works and other times it doesn't. I am a creative soul that loves to experience life and work through my problems.

Since growing up I have had anxiety and major depression and was recently diagnosed with PTSD. I am overcoming issues since the birth of abuse/neglect/trust issues, health issues and so much more. Being silenced most of my life because I either didn't want to hurt others' feelings or ''tell my story'' because of fear or judgment whether on family or close friends.

As I have been in therapy off and on throughout my life I have always had a voice. I stand up to things that are against my morals or personal beliefs. But sadly, I haven't stood up for myself in many years for my hurt, pain, and suffering no matter how long it's been.

I am working on myself and it will take some time. I am able to share things about a certain part of my life and other things I shut down. Trust is a big issue. The big issue as I never really clung to anyone in my life except for a few people. My heart has always been growing bigger and breaking into thousands of pieces over and over.

In recent days I have had many ''spiritual awakenings'' I would say on my healing journey both physical, emotional, and emotional. Everything is tied together. I am one who is 5'11 and over 250 pounds. I give credit to being a large-bone woman. I was adopted so I am still learning about my background. Yes, I have and still get bullied some over my weight and big breasts. But luckily I am loving myself more especially through the piecing of my heart deep into my soul through therapy, in my dreams, or in questions or discussions I am having to answer.

I am type 2 diabetic and on insulin. I have had around 12 surgeries *not weight loss; I have osteoarthritis and rheumatoid arthritis along with gastroparesis issues. Not only that but horrible pain in the neck/back and dealing with cervical stenosis and l4/l5 disc and sacroiliac joint issues. Dealing with neuropathy and pain as I have a plate in screws in the c5-c7 of my neck. Now I just turned 39 a few days ago, so my body feels like I'm in my 80's and my brain feels like I'm in my 20s. With all the specialists and doctors, I am blessed to have an amazing husband Tarl to helps support me in all ways even wipes my tears, hugs me so close and is a good listener.

I am bouncing all over the walls with this because I am sharing just little pieces of me over the years and the trials that I have overcome or overcoming still (even if it's years gone by) My point is, this is me learning to heal all of me. What are my triggers? What are my feelings then? Opening up with my therapist or discussions in my school classes helps me better understand myself and love myself more. Not only that but apparently I make an impact on some of you. Really I want you to gather your thoughts and feelings and find a way to better understand yourself. DEEP DOWN. All that hurt and pain just let it out in a constructive way.

Not only am I working on myself to heal and enjoy life with my forever husband. I also working on finishing my degree in Family Science. If all goes well I should graduate with my Bachelor's before my 40th birthday next June 2023. Which It would be May 2023. This is a HUGE goal for me. As I didn't get to walk the stage for my high school graduation .(long story ) which I will probably explain later or in my book when I decided to finish. I did get my GED later in 2006. So, I am so excited to experience the walking and flying of graduation caps.

Now, this isn't easy. It's not easy writing all this and being vulnerable. If you've seen my posts on social media they may be all uplifting and for the most part, it is. But what you don't see is behind the scenes of fear, stagefright, anxiety, tears, decisions should I or should I not say this or post this because this family member or this person,, you get the picture. I used to say things and then delete them. But as I got older and am now in an amazing marriage and new home and feeling SAFE~ I can be safe and express myself using my talents, my voice, my words, my art, my music, my photography, and more. Creating an outlet of expression.

Anything you get from this post, you'll see that there are many feelings and emotions about everything. There is love and sadness, fear and happiness. Excitement and worry. And that is ALL OKAY! THESE ARE MY FEELINGS. MY HEART. MY EXPERIENCES. I can share and express in any way I need to for however long and I just want you to know that is OKAY.

Just one step at a time. Have courage and remember to try to focus on YOU. However, you decided to embark on a healing journey and truly show yourself love and compassion through it all, express it

in a constructive manner through your passions and talents. Embrace them and learn different ways. I promise you it's a start and you will love yourself more because to others it may be so simple just like this post, but to me doing this is a HUGE milestone and I feel SAFE. SECURE. LOVED. I know that I have the ability to heal and move forward. Sending you all lots of love. Continue to reach for your dreams and desires.

Keep Shining

Jackie Inspires

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©2022 by Tarl & Jackie Telford

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